When I leave here

I need you to know

No one has ever loved another human as much

When I leave here

I need you to know

I am not gone - I've just disperse quite a bit

When I leave here 

I need you to know

I ushered you into this life

With the intent that you enjoy it

With the intent that you live it

With the intent that you see it

For all that it is

For all that it isn't

Never let my absence interfere with living fully in it

When I Leave Here by Loryn Brantz

I am writing this because I want you to know your story, and I can't be sure I'll be around when you're old enough to understand.  Know, then, that you are so loved, and you were so wanted.  We had planned to only have 1 kid, but God knew better.  He knew  we needed you to make our family complete, and he knew the world needed you in it.  So he blessed us with you.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was scared but happy.  Scared I might lose you, but  happy you were on the way, and hoping and praying it would work out.  Your dad was very surprised when I told him, but also loved you right from the start.  We went ahead with our plans to build an ADU to rent our in our backyard, to generate some extra income and make sure we could afford to give you a stable and happy childhood. 

At about 12 weeks along, we (dad, Jack, me and you in my tummy) went to Florida for a little vacation before dad had to go to China for work.  He flew straight from there, and Jack and I stayed in Florida a few extra days to visit with my folks (your granny Wendy and grandpa Tim) and auntie Bear (Blair).

While relaxing in Blair's pool, I noticed (upon showering) a little blood in my suit.  I was very scared of another miscarriage, so called my OBGYN in California.  They told me to go to ER, and then come in Blair's care and spent the afternoon in the ER.  I kept talking to you - your nickname is Aqua Cat, since you were to be born in the year of the water cat by Vietnamese calendar.  I kept saying "aqua cat, stay with me and I'll stay with you".  And thank God, the doctors said your heartbeat was strong and you weren't in distress.  That the blood was likely some dried blood from implantation or something that you'd kicked loose (you were very active) or that had worked loose from me lifting Jack all the time.

I was overjoyed and so thankful! And I kept talking to you, reiterating our pact "stay with me, and I'll stay with you."

We flew home and I took care of you and Jack solo for about a week until your dad came back from China.  In June/July we had another scare.  Even though I'd weaned Jack back in April/May, I somehow got mastitis! And it turned out, I was allergic to the antibiotics they gave me to treat it - which were safe for you, but it turned out not for me.  I ended up with a full body rash, sore throat, the works, scary! but I kept repeating our mantra, and we were OK.

In August, we (you & me) flew to Florida to work in Miami, and visit with my folks a bit.  Oof, it was hot trekking around Miami interviewing commuters (non-profit project sponsored by my employer, Google), but you wer a trooper and snoozed a lot.  Unfortunately, I managed - even while constantly masking - to catch COVID-19 while in Florida.  I was staying the weekend with my folks and woke up Monday feeling rotten.  Went to ER and sure enough - it's COVID.  The doctor told me to stick with Tylenol unless that did not control the fever - only then take aspirin, since while it's not recommended during pregnancy, a high fever is even more dangerous to the baby.  We lived on coconut water and soups for days, and only wound up needing 1 dose of aspirin on that first day.  It was scary, but I kept talking to you and repeating our mantra and by God's grace, we were OK.

At this point my OBGYN said you deserve an uneventful pregnancy after all this!  Alas, it was not to be.  I'd had some abnormal test results in the summer, and the follow up testing was finally completed in November.  You were due December 19 - the day after my birthday ♡♡ so we planned the c-section for December 12, and I started my maternity leave November 15.  I was really looking forward to spending the time leading up to your birth in bonding with you.  However, on November 16, my biopsy results came back - stage 2 anal cancer with lymph node involvement.  It was terrifying.  I spent the next few weeks scrambling to meet and work with Stanford oncology to plan my treatment for once I'd recovered from c-section, and updating our estate plan to make sure you, Jack and your dad would be taken care of in case the worst should happen.  I also had to organize getting an ovarian transposition as part of the c-section, so that the pelvic radiation would not push me into early menopause.

In short, I did everything I could to stick to our pact "stay with me, and I'll stay with you".  I think you heard me as you clocked in early!  I woke up at 7am on December 6, and bingo, my water broke.  Once our nanny co Huong arrived to stay with your brother, we booked it to the hospital.  The same doctor who delivered your brother was there and ready to go.  We just needed the OBGYN oncologist to also be there to do the ovarian transposition.  She was held up on another case most of the day, so you and I got fluids, bed rest and an epidural to delay labor while we waited.  Your vital signs stayed strong, but by 4pm it was clear you wanted out!  You were face up, breech and dancing a jig on my cervix.

They took us to the operating room and the OBGYN oncologist go there just in time.  I asked her "will you cut the fallopian tubes as part of this procedure?" She said "I wasn't going to in case you want to have more kids".  Your dad, myself and the OB were all saying "NO, no more! little Aquacat is here; we're complete ♡♡.

Out you came at 7lbs and change, with not much hair and a scowl.  But you soon brightened up.  They put you on my chest and you were trying to look around!  Such a sweet boy.  

We stayed in the hospital a few days as my blood pressure was a bit high.  You were such a little angel - sleeping peacefully until you got hungry then you'd awaken and immediately start shrieking like a banshee!  Even the nurses said wow he goes from asleep to defcon 4 in the blink of an eye, haha!

But you learned to nurse right away, and we supplemented with nodor milk to make sure you did not get dehydrated.  Once we got home, I actually had a surplus of milk for you, and you were an easy baby - great eater and sleeper.  And you even quickly learned to take a pacifier for soothing - so we  could take you out with Jack to look at Christmas lights when you were just a few weeks old.  We went to parks, and storytime at the library, and to visit auntie Phuong and uncle Huy, and auntie Ivy and uncle Hoang, and out to dinner.  We packed in all we could before I had to start treatment in February.  

Christmas was idyllic - our little family cuddled on a blanket by the fireplace, enjoying breakfast and opening presents.  I really hope we get more Christmases together.  I love spending time with the people I love, and all the traditions: the tree, the lights, hanging stockings, drinking hot chocolate, playing games and being thankful for one another.  It's such a bright beautiful time.

Please always find the beauty and the joy in life.  It's there, just not always in the way you'd expect.

I love you, so many bunches

X♡X♡

"Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all" Emily Dickinson

Yesterday I had a liver biopsy.  Although I finished my initial cancer treatment back in March, I had to go to the emergency room over Mother's day weekend with abdominal pain.  They did a CT scan to diagnose, and it turned out my chole tube had slipped - again! so they did an MRI to make sure there were no blockages in the bile duct.  Prepatory to removing my gall bladder (along with the tube).  The surgery went smoothly, but unfortunately on both the CT and MRI, two lesions appeared on my liver that had not been there on my December PET scan.  So the worry is that somehow the cancer metastasized during treatment, but we have still some hope.  My medical oncologist, Dr. Chen, doesn't think the images look like tumors - no hard boundaries.  And also, the ultrasound that was done in February for my gall bladder did not show any liver lesions.  So he's hopeful that maybe they are just damage from the slipped chole tube - like cysts or abscesses.  But no fluid came out during the biopsy, so we just have to await results and hope.

Wait and hope - that's all the world's wisdom.  According to Alexandre Dumas, and what is hope but  faith that things will turn out all right.  Will be just as they should?  And in whom do we have faith but God? So we pray - for health and strength to accept whatever comes.  It's hard not knowing what is to come.  But that's life.  We never know, so must just take it day by day.

Wait and hope

I love you, my sweet one

X♡X♡

"The butterfly counts not months but moments,

and has time enough.

Time is a wealth of change,

but the clock in its parody makes it mere change and no wealth.

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time

like dew on the tip of a leaf.”

― Rabindranath Tagore

Well, I have been diagnosed with stage 4 anal cancer, so we may not have as much time together as I had hoped.  Of course I am going to do everything possible and fight as hard as I can and we're praying hard, but above all, I am trying to take it day by day and make the most of our time together.  And with you that's easy - you're a joy to be with.  You have such an infectious giggle, and you love to play.  YOur current favorite game is to jump on Mama and Dada! when we sit together in the evenings with baby brother, and watch some cartoons and play with your trucks, you love to take a running leap at Mama and you laugh like crazy when I catch you up and hug you tight ㅤ ♡ ︎ㅤ ♡ ︎ㅤ ♡ ︎

You also love racing your toy construction trucks down the foam block ramp.  No matter which one wins you laugh like crazy.  It's so sweet. and that's one of my favorite things about you: you live totally in the moment, guided by your kind heart.  You hold your little brother so gently, and give him pats and kisses.  you get entranced , moving rocks around the yard and helping co Huong sweep up.  You love helping Mama unload the dishwasher, or the groceries.  You love bath time and biking with Dada.  Never lose sight of that - every day is a new opportunity to find joy in life, and share it with others!!

P.S. and one other thing - a few days ago, you were sitting on my lap while we watched cartoons after dinner.  I had my arms around you and could smell your hair.  You have your own yummy little boy smell.  And I realized that forever would not be long enough to spend with you. I will always want more time.  

But that is not how time works.  Even were I in perfect health, you are growing up!  Every day a little taller, stronger and more independent.  So treasure every moment we have together.  We never know how many more there will be, so the key is to be grateful for what we receive in this life.

I love you, so much, Jack

XOXO 

"Speed in life is not always necessary, but endurance there must be" Prince Mohammed Ali

That phrase comes from a book on breeding Arabian horses but I've found it to be applicable in many, many aspects of life.  As humans, well, type "A" humans, we're so goal oriented.  Trying to 'get through the list', check things off: "each thing I do, I rush through so I can do something else in such a way do the days pass..."  But going through life this way robs us the joy of really living.  Rushing through.  Focusing on goals, life passes us by, all those quiet moments of sunshine on the water, of the smell of fresh coffee, of the sound of kids laughing, of the feel of a good horse between your knees, or his breath on your neck.  All these things are unfolding in their glory while our mind is scurrying around, making plans, worrying, playing out scenarios, etc.

Don't fall for it, it's a trap!

Know that it's a journey.  Sometimes easy, sometimes hard, with joy and woe, and your 'job' is to be present in each moment.  Show up for each moment.  Some will hurt but you will endure. Some will transport you with joy, meet those moments too.  Lean in to the series of moments that is life.  Breathe through it if you can do that.  Breath, accept, embrace each moment.  

You will live a rich and full life.  X♡X♡

Happy half-birthday!

It's hard to believe you're already six months old.  You've gotten so big!  Your sweet chubby little fists, your large observant eyes, your soft downy hair, and your tiny little feet.  You are more adorable than I can explain.  I am so blessed to be your Mama.

I don't know how much time we'll have together, but I pledge to you that I will be fully present in and treasure each moment.  And I am so filled with joy and priviledged to have brought you into this world, and to get to spend some time in it with you.

I love you so much, my sweet little baby boy ♡

P.S. forever wouldn't be long enough to spend with you X♡X♡

"The cure for anything is salt water - seat, tears or the sea" Isak Dinesen

Words I've lived by - no matter the problem, you can find a solution, or at least some comfort, in salt water.

I grew up by the sea, in a house full of dark wood and bright sunlight.  We were surrounded by the green of the tropics - the bright, limpid green of citrus leaves, the grey-green of avocado trees, the lime-green of sea grapes, the kelly-green of grasses, the silver-green of palms.  Life ran riot under an endless sky, with banks of clouds like Spanish Galleons sailing across a sea of pellucid blue.

I loved those clouds.  You could watch them build in the west, over the Everglades in the mornings.  By the afternoon, a west wind would push them toward the coast, and in summer we'd have tremendous thunderstorms in the afternoon.  That was my favorite time of day.  We'd spend the morning at the beach, swimming and playing in the sand.  We'd come tome sandy and salty and sweaty and itchy.  Take a quick cool shower and put on a soft cotton shirt, eat a bite, then retire to my room to nap in the cool of the air conditioner and the slowly turning fan.  Out the tops of my windows I could see the grey and bruise-colored storm clouds, and hear the thunder like giants playing at ninepins.  As it rolled the rain sluiced down, pattering on the windows and pouring off the inner corners of the patio in a torrent rhythmic sounds being safe and cool under clean sheets.  And over it all, the watchful eye of God, extending his grace and mercy to us.

Remember: sweat, tears or the sea

I love you

It's almost July now, and I thank God that we have been able to spend some time together this month.  I've been well enough to hold you and play with you at least a little every day.  It's the best part of my day, spending time with you and Jack.

In 10 days or so I've to start aggressive chemotherapy for the aggressive tumors in my liver - praying to God to shed his divine grace on us and perform a miracle that the treatment works extremely well, extremely quickly, so that I can heal and be your Mama here on earth while you're growing up.  I am loving watching the bond between you and Jack grow.  He loves you so much; you're blessed to have such a kind-hearted BIG brother!

All my love, always.

You gave us a scare today!  Came home from taking Jack to gym class and you had red welts on your arms and legs, swollen ears and a red face!  Poor litte fella.  You were drinking milk happily enough and no issues breathing so Dada rushed home to take you to urgent care, while I drove myself to oncology urgent care for digestive issues.

Turns out, you might be allergic to egg.  Well, no omlettes for you, I guess.  Your brother loves eggs so we'll have to make sure he doesn't try and feed you any.    

You're growing so fast.  Just 7 months old and already I am digging out the 9-12 months clothes!  And you're so funny.  You growl and shriek when you're happy, and screech like a banshee when you're not.  Take care of your brother - he loves you!

♡ Mama

"I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart.

As a man calls for wine before he fights.

I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,

Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.

Think first, fight afterwards - the soldier's art:

One taste of old times sets all to rights."

Childe Roland to the dark tower came by Robert Browning

It's so sweet watching you spending time with the boys every evening.  Jack wants to be just like you.  He tries to do everything you do.  Whether it is watering the plants, taking the trash out, cleaning the floor or playing with Kien.  Jack tries to copy you and be just like you.

He loves you so much;  you are basically God to him.  And James loves spending time with you as well.  He kicks his little feet and smiles and laughs all the time you are playing with him.  It's so funny to see when he's strapped to your chest.  He is always looking around, observing to see what you're up to.

I hope soon I can recover and spend more time with all of you.  I love you guys so much.  Thank you for keeping our family afloat during this time.

♡X♡X

Claudia

I wanted to tell you some happy stories from my childhood, because our family did have a lot of good times.  We often went camping, canoeing, sailing or drove down to visit the Florida Keys with another family, The Kostors Kathy (English) and Rudy (German) were the parents, and Kistoffer (one year older than me) and Lara (one year younger than me) were the kids.  Since all us kids were blonde, everyone assumed we were siblings and we had many adventures.

For example, one time we went canoeing and camping in Jonathan Dickinson state park, about 1-2 hours drive north, the water of the river is tea-colored with tannings from the leaves that fall in, but it's also clear, fun to let your hand trail alongside the canoe, look at the reflection from the sky, and try to make leave boat to set sail.  Such a soothing, peaceful place.  The delicate light green filigree of cypress needles against the sky, the occasional osprey circling in the blue, calls of frogs, crickets, and herons, and the gentle swirl of water as you paddle downstream.  On our way home, we 3 kids rode in the back of the pickup (illegal today, I am sure), and when we were passing a sugar cane field, dad stopped, got out and used his machete to cut us some pieces of sugar cane for a snack.  Nothing sweeter than fresh sugar cane just cut from a field.  We rode home with the sun on our backs feeling like royalty.

Another time, we went down to the Keys, a place called Lime Tree Bay Resort, on Long Key - I am sure it's still there.  It wasn't a fancy place, just comfortable and family friendly.  They had shuffle board courts out under the palm trees, a raised pool so you could look out over the bay (west) or across the highway to the Atlantic, and my favorite - a hammock! strung between some palm trees which would gently swing in the breeze and rock me to sleep.  Let me assure you, there's no better place to fall asleep than in a hammock rocked by the sea breeze.  

Kristoffer, Lara and I sued to borrow a bucket from my dad's truck, fill it with water from the little hand fishing dock, and then try to catch fish with a balled up piece of bread or chicken on the line.  We never had too much luck but it was a hoot looking down the clear water and seeing all the urchins, star fish, barracuda, hermit crabs.  And one day we got lucky right at sunset and caught this huge fish.  We thought it was a puffer fish since it could puff up, but the guy at the bait shop said it was either a ### or a hogfish, I forget.  Either way we were not gonna eat him, so we threw him back.  He seemed appreciative.  I think we were ages 7, 8 and 9 at the time, so there you have it!  Some fun kid adventures.

Love you boo bear.

I want

♡♡♡

Dear Kiet,

These were the last 2 words Mama wrote to you.  I want you to know that Mama fought to the very end.  She was brave and strong.  She had given everything to be with you and Kien.

<<< I love this photo of you and Mama.  I think you were about 1 year old,  could barely stand up right, and it was April.  We drove for 3-4 hours down to Carrizo Plain to meet up with uncle Tony and auntie Marcy to see wild flowers.  I love how you closed your eyes and soaked in the afternoon sun.  You just enjoyed the moment sitting comfortably in Mama's lap.